Posted by The Hand on April 8, 2012 in Relationships |
UPDATED:
18:11 EST, 7 April 2012
With more couples divorcing amicably, splitting up can mean the start of a beautiful friendship?with your ex. Ruth Tierney talks to two couples who are closer now they?re apart
Jo Gould, 43, a midwife from Eastbourne, and Damon Webb, 45, an architect from Brighton, have seen their post-divorce relationship thaw from frosty to friendly
Divorce doesn?t have to be divisive. Just look at Elizabeth Hurley, who?s not only on fond terms with longtime ex Hugh Grant, but also with recently divorced husband Arun Nayar. ?Arun and I are still best friends ? I?m too lazy to fight,? she told YOU. Then there?s Prince Andrew and the Duchess of York, who have lived together in Royal Lodge, Windsor, for the past four years despite divorcing 16 years ago. And Sadie Frost?s plus-one at Kate Moss?s wedding last year was ex-hubby Jude Law.
Pally exes are certainly more visible than they were a generation ago, and the reasons for this are twofold. From a pragmatic standpoint, we have the legal system to thank. Most family lawyers in the UK are now part of an organisation called Resolution, whose code of practice is to help clients through the divorce process in an amicable way. ?We?re seeing a huge increase in divorcing couples opting for collaborative law or mediation,? explains Mahie Abey, family solicitor and co-founder of intelligentdivorce.co.uk, ?which avoid confrontation ? and the courts ? by solving matters through discussion. If you can avoid undue amounts of friction during the divorce, it makes civilised communication and friendship more likely afterwards.? In fact, lawyers even prescribe therapy in some cases. ?I give my clients a list of counsellors if I think they will benefit. There are certain emotions, such as grief and anger, that a client needs help to deal with in order to have a good relationship with their ex,? says Abey.
Better (rather than bitter) divorce proceedings may go some way to explaining the increase,
but psychotherapist Christine Webber (christinewebber.com) has another theory. ?Younger couples are leading the trend for this kind of relationship. The 50-plus generation are less likely to have friendships with the opposite sex in general. Not only were single-sex schools more common when they were growing up, but few experienced university life and the freedom of cohabitation in student housing. Lots of couples today, on the other hand, meet when they?re sharing student accommodation, and fall from friendship into a relationship. When they split up, the friendship is still there.?
A quick poll at YOU HQ revealed that most of us found the concept of post-divorce pals a little disconcerting. After all, if you get on so well, why don?t you just stay married? ?Good question, and the answer I?d have to give is sex ? or lack of it,? says psychotherapist Paula Hall. ?Many couples find they get on as friends, but not as lovers. People often leave a long-term relationship because they feel they?re being short-changed in one area, and mostly that?s their sex life. But they still get on, they still have things in common, which they can hold on to beyond the divorce.? In fact, if a couple have shared a passionate relationship it?s often harder to translate that into a platonic friendship. ?That type of relationship is so incandescent it burns itself out before friendship is an option,? explains Webber.
But surely holding on to your history can stop you moving forward? ?In some cases, it can be liberating to draw a line under the past,? agrees Webber. Whatever path you decide to take, the important thing is to give yourself time to heal. Most experts agree that you should veto all contact with your ex for a few months, so you can wipe the slate clean and start at zero with your new friendship.
Post divorce pals: Jo and Damon help and support each other, but they never talk about their past
Jo I started to question my marriage around the time I trained as a midwife in 1997. Several women separated from their husbands while on that course, probably because it was quite a feminist, empowering environment. It seemed to prompt a rebellion in me. Damon and I were so young when we got together ? I was 18, he was 20, and I already had a baby [Lotte, now 25] from a previous relationship, so we settled down quickly. By the time we got married in 1994, we had two children of our own, Oscar, now 22, and Bella, 18. It?s a clich?, but although I loved Damon, I wasn?t in love with him by that point.
We had a trial separation, during which we had marriage counselling. But it just didn?t feel right to be with him. After living apart for 18 months, I admitted that my feelings for him hadn?t changed. Damon was crushed and relations between us became strained. Because I felt guilty, I wanted to make our divorce as easy as possible. We settled out of court in 2000, with childcare split 50:50. I let him keep the house, while I moved to a flat in the same road.
Damon and I have never hated each other, but it was very frosty between us for at least three years after the divorce. We only spoke about the children and kept that to a minimum. When I met my second husband, Gez, and had two more children ? Mimi, seven, and Noah, five ? it was obvious a chapter had ended, and we?d all moved on enough to have the occasional coffee when Damon came to pick up the children when it was his turn to look after them.
One Christmas Damon dropped by to collect the older children accompanied by a couple of our mutual friends, so I invited everyone in for a drink. The next time Damon came round on his own, Gez and I had a bottle of wine open so I asked if he?d like a glass, and it went from there. Now if we?re throwing a party or barbecue for friends, we invite Damon along. Gez likes Damon and thinks he?s a great dad, so there?s no jealousy there.
We don?t just discuss the children any more. We?re having an extension on our kitchen built
right now, and I asked Damon to do the architectural plans for it. When we met for lunch to discuss it, we had such a laugh because we still share the same sense of humour. When I set up my own business as a hypnobirthing coach (thehypnobirthingclinic.co.uk), I turned to Damon for advice about the design of the website.
But there are boundaries. When Damon is dating someone I don?t chat to him for long if he?s with her because I don?t want her to feel threatened. Having said that, I?ve always got on with Damon?s partners. A couple of years ago, Damon phoned to ask if Gez, who?s a doctor, knew anything about dislocated knees because his girlfriend had hurt hers while trying to teach Bella to do the splits! While Gez clicked her knee back into place, I gave her gas and air (which I had to hand as a community midwife)! I even set Damon up with a colleague of mine once, and they stayed together for nine months.
I don?t think about our past, and we don?t? discuss it. Enough time has passed since we were intimately involved with each other for us to forget all that. What has endured are the good things, such as the friendship we had, and the fact we?re caring parents.
I also have a good relationship with Damon?s parents. They were really upset when we split up, but we?ve remained friends and I see them for lunch and invite them for dinner every Christmas. They buy presents for my little ones, and held Bella?s 18th birthday party in their garden, which Gez and I attended. Damon is amused by Mimi and Noah because they?re so naughty, but he doesn?t spend much time with them. They like him though because they?re astute judges of character and know he?s a good person. They?re at the age where they?re trying to puzzle out our relationship. I?ll always be friends with Damon, not just because of the children, but because we genuinely like each other. It?s what made us work in the first place.
Damon There was a certain amount of teeth-gritting between Jo and I after we split up, but we didn?t really argue. I didn?t have the energy for animosity because we were sharing the childcare so I was exhausted. I admit to feeling pangs of jealousy when I saw Jo out with a new partner not long after the divorce. But those feelings fade over time, and it helped when I found a new girlfriend around six months later. My partners have never had a problem with Jo, mainly because I?ve explained I?m friends with her from the start rather than being furtive about it.
When the children were younger we saw each other three times a week, but now I pop over for coffee or wine once or twice a month. We chat about mutual friends and the children mainly. None of our pals took sides, but after the divorce they naturally drifted towards one or the other of us, so it?s nice to hear what they?re up to. The children have never been confused by our friendship ? in fact, they?ve been pretty unfazed by the divorce. They seem to enjoy having two bases, and double the attention.
I think Jo and I would still be friends even if we didn?t have children together. I keep in touch with most of my exes, which some people find strange. But it strikes me as a real shame if that kind of bond is thrown away and you never see each other again when a relationship ends. You wouldn?t dump any other type of friend in that way. Jo and I may have different lives now, but we?re still the same people.
Exes Suzy Miller, 48, an events organiser, and Chris Taylor, 48, a production manager, live on the same street in Forest Row, East Sussex, and see each other for drinks, dinner or DIY every other day
Suzy Since splitting up in 2003, Chris and I have had to start afresh, building a new relationship rather than continuing with the old one. That had broken down, and all trust had gone after Chris declared, out of the blue, that he didn?t love me, in fact never had, despite our ten years and three children together. I hadn?t seen it coming because there had been no rows, and it took at least a year for us to go from being civil to friendly. There were teething troubles, and I needed to set boundaries. Once Chris was narky with me on the phone, so I contacted BT and blocked his calls. He?s been polite ever since!
There were two catalysts involved in the formation of the good friendship we have now. The first was a life-coaching seminar I attended in London, where I literally walked over hot coals to realise I could do anything. I felt more confident, and that made it easier to move beyond blame. The second was Chris getting married in 2007 to Marilyn, who was 19 at the time. People couldn?t understand why I was fine with it, but Chris was easier to deal with because Marilyn makes him happy. Our friendship evolved over cups of coffee when he picks up the children ? Cydney, now 15, Joseph, 13, and Henry, ten. I also began having drinks with Marilyn, who helped me see Chris?s good qualities, such as his strength and reliability.
We actually get on far better now than we ever did when we were together. We live a five-minute walk away and Chris has a key to my house, so I see him around four times a week. Sometimes I?ll come home from work and he?ll be there cooking supper. He?ll flop on the sofa and talk about his work worries, but when I start talking about mine, he glazes over. That used to bug me, but now I just think, ?Bless him.? You don?t have such high expectations of a friend as you do of a partner. We even share a dog! When Marilyn and Chris bought Cydney a rescue dog, I said they had to help look after it as I?m busy with three children and my own business organising divorce shows (startingovershow.co.uk). Chris popped round recently to find Cydney and I hollering at each other, so he went upstairs to reprimand her then came downstairs to comfort me. ?I only came over to walk the dog,? he said, and I burst out laughing.
When you have loved someone, that connection never goes away. I?ll always care about Chris, but there?s nothing romantic between us. I?ve changed, and the kind of man I want now is totally different from Chris. I?d love to meet someone who shares my interest in philosophy, spirituality and the arts. Chris isn?t a ballet kind of man ? he?s far too practical. My last partner got on so well with Chris that he took the photos at Chris and Marilyn?s wedding. But for the moment I?m single. It?s comforting to have that almost-daily connection with Chris, and to know that I can turn to him however big or small the problem.
Together apart: Suzy and Chris see each other almost daily. ?When you?ve loved someone that connection never goes away,? says Suzy
Chris I can count my true friends on one hand ? and Suzy is one of them. When I walked out on Suzy, I would never have imagined that one day she?d become a best friend. But it makes
sense because she knows me from old. I?m pretty shy around new people, and don?t find it easy to open up.
For the first year, I needed to get my head straight. But meeting Marilyn sorted me out ? she helped me become a nicer person. I was also really impressed by Suzy?s reaction to my new wife. She was really welcoming and friendly to Marilyn ? lots of women wouldn?t be. That made me like Suzy more. We often all get together for Sunday lunch or to walk the dog, which people in the village think is very weird. I guess it is really!
I feel comfortable dropping by unannounced at Suzy?s on my way home from work, and if I?m not in the mood to talk, Suzy?s OK with that. But when I do want to confide in someone, Suzy?s the perfect person because she?s very perceptive. She says what she?s thinking, and I know she?ll be honest with me. Our relationship now is very different from when we were together. There?s no romance, she?s a mate. I still find her infuriating and I wind her up something rotten too, but I honestly think we?ll always be friends.?
The Duchess of York and Prince Andrew divorced in 1996 after ten years of marriage. Sarah described her ex-husband as ?a great man and a first-rate father and the bestest friend?.
Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall had their marriage annulled in 1999 after nine years. Jerry said, ?He?s a great father and a great friend. Just a lousy husband.?
Billie Piper and Chris Evans married in 2001 and divorced in 2007. Billie says, ?I?m happy I married Chris and happy we?re now soul mates without being lovers. That?s what I want from Chris ? the ultimate friendship. I don?t feel like I?ve lost anything. I feel like I?ve only gained.?
Ronnie Wood married Jo in January 1985 and they divorced in 2011. Jo has said, ?He is my friend, and I?ll always love Ronnie in the way that he?s the father of my children and we spent so many years together. But he?s off doing his own thing; I don?t often hear from him.?
Peaches Geldof, 23, married musician Max Drummey in 2008, splitting up just months later. Peaches said, ?I actually spoke to Max on the phone the other day. He lives really near me in Los Angeles. He?s such a good person as well, so that was not an area where there was any drama.?
Actress Keeley Hawes married Spencer McCallum in 2001, divorcing in 2004. She is now married to actor Matthew Macfadyen. She says, ?I?m not saying that every night of the week me, my husband and ex-husband and our children all sit around together like one happy family. But we do see each other frequently ? we are all friends.?
Additional pictures: Rex, Big
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Article source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/article-2124444/Relationships-The-ex-best-thing.html
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