What to Do When Your Step-Kids Disrespect You. - PDF

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Over the years, many parents in blended families have come to me to talk about the subject of
disrespect. In some cases, their step-kids didn't respect them, and in others, their biological child
did not respect their new spouse. The truth is a child may never respect his step-parent, but he
does have to know that he can't get away with being rude or obnoxious to them. The only way to
achieve the desired behavior is to be certain you and your spouse are united in making sure that
your kids treat you with respect.

Lay Down the Ground Rules from the Start

If you haven't done so already, sit down with the kids in your blended family and lay out some
ground rules. Start by saying, "In our family now, this is what a parent is." And, "In our family now,
these are the expectations on every child." I recommend that you tell your step-kids from the
beginning, "You don't have to call me Mommy, but you have to be respectful and follow my
directions." And both adults need to do this with all the children in the family.

What if Your Step-kids Disrespect You?

Naturally, step-parents become very upset when their step-children are disrespectful to them. I've
had parents come to me in difficult situations where the kids were really being rude or obnoxious,
saying things like, "You're not my father, I don't have to listen to you!" Let me be clear: parents
have to be careful, because once that kind of behavior gets entrenched, it's very difficult to stop.
By being rude, kids protect themselves-and they train adults what not to ask of them and what not
to expect of them.

The answer here is that you and your partner have to decide ahead of time how the kids in the
family will talk to each parent. You set the expectations together, and then you remain consistent;
you hold each child accountable.

Here's an example. If one of your step-kids says, "You're not my mom; I don't have to do what you
say!" You can say, "No, I'm not your mother, but you have to do your homework anyway." Or,
"We're not talking about me being your father. We're talking about when you're going to start your
homework."

Now, the consequences for that kind of behavior should be swift and clear. The kids in the family
should know that if they disrespect their step-mother or step-father, they will lose their cell phone
privileges for the rest of the night, for example. In other words, there should be no tolerance for
that kind of disrespect. When it comes down to it, both adults work hard for the family, both adults
are struggling, both adults are making sacrifices-so the rule is that the kids have to treat them both
with respect. They don't have to call them Mom or Dad unless they want to, but they have to be

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respectful.

Don't try to read your step-child's mind

Know that as a parent or step-parent, you cannot read your step-child's mind. In other words, if
this child doesn't like you telling him what to do but he does it anyway, don't challenge him on what
he's thinking. Don't worry if he's giving you "that look." When you tell him to go do his chores, if he
does them whether he likes it or not, that should be enough. So, don't try to read kids' minds to
determine if they really don't want to do something, or if they really don't like you. You have to let
that go until everybody gets to know each other.

Here's the bottom line: if you carry yourself with respect, kids will find things to like about you. This
is because kids want to like people that they respect. Know that he or she may never get over the
loss of his mother or father, or that of his original family. But there's nothing you as a step-parent
can do about that besides accept it and avoid getting into fights about it.

When You're Parenting, They're All Your Kids

Some parents wonder how they can be fair while still maintaining the trust of their biological child.
Know that it's natural to feel a stronger connection to your own child, a special love for and
commitment to them.

But in a blended family, you have to keep those thoughts in a separate compartment from
parenting. Understand that when you're parenting, they're all your kids. And believe me, they're all
watching the way you behave yourself, the kind of role model you are, and the kinds of things you
do. So when the kids are acting out and the television is taken away for the evening as a
consequence, it's not taken from the biological kids or the non-biological kids-you don't get into
those distinctions. It's taken away from all the kids. And so it also becomes, "When we're going to
the zoo, we're all going to the zoo-the whole family." Or "When we're watching a movie, we're all
watching a movie."

You'll always feel that special connection with your biological child, don't get me wrong. But part of
the thing that you'll struggle with, sometimes every day, is that you have to treat these kids the
same. Don't worry that you will lose that connection with your biological kid by doing so-that will
never happen. There may be anger, there may be disappointment, there may be separation, but
that connection is there by nature.

When Your Child Challenges You

Often in blended families, it's very common for the biological kids to challenge their birth parents.
They'll accuse them of being unfair, or say things like, "You're treating them better than me." Or,
"He treats his kids better than you treat us." And you might also hear, "He treats his kids better
than he treats us." And parents have to work very closely together to solve those problems.

When your child comes to you and says something unfair happened, the kind of question you
have to ask is, "If I was there, what would I have seen?" So, let's say your child says, "Today she
treated her kids better than us." The question you have to ask is not, "How did you feel," or "What
happened," because those things get distorted. Rather, parents should be asking the investigative

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question: "If I was there, what would I have seen?"

Let's say the answer is, "You would have seen her give three cookies to her kids and two cookies
to us." That's something they can see, not what they felt. So find out what they saw, what they
heard, what was done. That's the most effective way to investigate these kinds of statements.
That's also one of my key questions when parents tell me their kids are acting out at home. One of
the things I used to ask them in my office was, "If I was there, what would I have seen?" And then
they'll say, "You'd have seen my son punching a hole in the wall and threatening his sister and
calling his brother names." I want to know what I would have seen there because that's how I can
investigate what they need to do differently.

So again, you're asking for facts now. It's the parent's job to say, "Okay, I'll look into it," and then
talk to the other parent in private.

Structure Time to Do Things Together: Establish a "Family Day"

If you want to come together as a family, I think you have to make rules about doing things
together. So you can make the rule, "On Wednesday nights we all watch a video." This rule is in
place whether the kids like it or not. Let them know that if they refuse to watch the video, then they
will lose their electronics for the rest of the night. But the deal is, "We all watch a video. We all go
to the zoo. We all go to the beach. We all go to the park." Don't overdo it, especially with
teenagers. But doing one activity as a family per week, not including church, can be helpful in this
kind of situation. Sit together in the living room eating popcorn and watching a DVD. Or go to the
park together, go to the beach and find seashells. Whatever it is, find one thing a week to do
together.

By the way, I say don't overdo it with teens because developmentally, their job is to start to break
away. So we just want them to participate without being abusive, disrespectful or nasty. If one of
your kids is 17 and doesn't want to go along, let them bring a friend. But the rule is, "You're going
with us."

Instituting a family day gives kids the message that "This is important to us, and it's so important
we're going to make it happen." They learn that you do things as a family and that you respect
each other when you're doing them. With younger kids, having a night where you just play board
games is really fun. Older kids may resist it at first, but younger kids will love it. If you start when
they're small, that becomes part of their expectations for family night-and it also becomes their
way of understanding how families operate.

Empower the Children in Your Family to Express Themselves

One last word about kids: children have to be empowered to express what they feel and think, and
those thoughts and feelings have to be accepted at face value. When two adults decide to blend
their families, kids have no choice. They can feel powerless, threatened and overwhelmed. The
idea is to give them appropriate ways to express themselves so they don't have to act out their
feelings behaviorally. This doesn't mean they get to make decisions about how the family will run,
but they should certainly have input in an appropriate way.

This input is usually best received by the child's birth parent. If you try to do a family meeting

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without getting the input first, it's very likely that people will get defensive or feel threatened. But if
birth parents can talk to their kids about their concerns, it is much easier to work them out, and it's
much easier for the two adults to come to an agreement. So the idea is not to squelch kids, the
idea is to set up a situation where they can express their feelings safely and appropriately.

Remember, no rule or situation has to last forever. Before you put any new plan into place, I
recommend that you sit down with your kids and ask these questions:

How will we know this is working?
How will we know something isn't working?
What will we do if something works?
What will we do if something doesn't work?

If you analyze the decisions you make this way, you'll always have the ability to measure if you're
accomplishing what you sought to do, as well as change what you're doing if necessary.

One of the key things that a blended family needs is two adults who are mature; you've really got
to grow up as a parent. It's hard to see your step-child when they come back from a holiday with
their other set of parents, and they have better presents than you gave them, or when they're
bragging about the things they did together-or when they're sad about the things they used to do
before their original family split up. But you've got to be able to handle that. Without a doubt you
may have feelings about it, but you have to have mature ways of dealing with those emotions. So,
if you're hurt or frustrated-and it's normal and human to be hurt, frustrated and confused in this
situation-you need to be able to talk to your partner or call your friends. If you need professional
help, go to a counselor. The main thing is, you need to be able to work toward accepting the
situation and not trying to control it. It's not that you shouldn't feel things-it's the way you deal with
the things you feel that is important.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens
and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing
children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a
facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents,
teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total
Transformation Program.

The Total Transformation Program is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior
modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiance disorder and child
anger issues.

Article Source:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman

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