HOME'S COOL - Life Without School - Facing Another Probable Loss

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Before I go ahead and update my situation, I want to point out that this year's Million Minute Family Challenge begins today. From September through December each year, individuals, families, and groups can sign up to participate in a collaborative effort to reach one million minutes of face to face board game time in a grass roots effort to get back to more interactive family board games. We've participated the past two or three years in a row and are looking forward to participating this year, as well. For more information or to register, see:

http://www.millionminute.com

Now, for my pregnancy update. If you've been reading recently, you'll know that I'll be six weeks pregnant tomorrow after two previous losses, but that yesterday I started having spotting.

So, this morning, there was still spotting but it was brownish only, and still just when I wipe (not on a pad). Not knowing what to think or what else to do, I decided to go to the emergency room. I figured they could 1) give me a shot of Rhogam since I'm Rh negative, 2) give me the results of my betas from yesterday, and 3) hopefully do an ultrasound to see if they could rule anything in or out.

While I went ahead and did that, I asked Shawn to take Ben to his soccer game. I said if I got back on time and felt up to it, I'd take Alexa to judo. As it turned out I did not get back on time, so she had to miss it and went with Shawn and Ben to his game. Shawn said that Ben played really well today and that he'd gotten some good action shots. I may as well take a minute to post some of those:

As for me, I did not get great news at the hospital. They drew like six vials of blood, including for another beta test so they could compare what my HCG levels were doing from yesterday to today.

They gave me an ultrasound, and the sonographer said, ?Just so you know, even if everything is fine, you have to hear it from the doctor downstairs.?

I said, ?Okay,? and then asked her, ?I know it might be too early, but if you do notice a heartbeat, would you be able to point that out??

She agreed to do so, but after a while, she said, ?There's really nothing to show.?

?Is there a sac...??

?There's a sac, but there's really nothing showing in it.?

I wanted to ask, ?Is there a fetal pole at least? Anything?? But I didn't. I knew she had already said more than she was supposed to say and that she wasn't supposed to discuss any of this with me.

Downstairs, I waited in the exam room quite a while. A nurse came in and gave me a shot of Rhogam and said the doctor was just waiting for the ultrasound report and the results of my betas, which take an hour from the time they are put on the machine.

Eventually, the doctor came in. First he told me that my betas had risen, going from around 3,000 yesterday late afternoon to around 5,000 late this morning. Ah, hope! And he told me that there was a ?small yolk sac? on the ultrasound. More hope!! But then he proceeded to pretty much dash those hopes, saying something like, ?But it's not where it's supposed to be in the uterus. It's in the endometrial canal, so it might be on its way down in the process of an abortion that hasn't completed yet.?

?So....does that mean it's ectopic?? I asked.

?No, it's not ectopic.? He demonstrated with his hands while explaining that the uterus is shaped like so and at the bottom of it is the endometrial canal which is part of the uterus but the part that is sort of just below the actual uterus and above the cervix and it's in that canal. ?But things change,? he told me.

?So, is there any chance it can develop normally where it is??

He hesitated a fraction of a second, almost sighed, and admitted, ?Unlikely.? But he told me I should repeat the betas tomorrow, follow up with my doctor, and to basically wait it out. I asked if there was any reason I should discontinue the progesterone (I didn't know if it was going to be interfering with a natural process or anything like that) and they said they'd page my OB and ask her.

A few minutes later they informed me that the OB had said to stay on the progesterone, that ?she's seen this before, and it doesn't necessarily mean you're having a miscarriage.? Well, much as I would love to latch onto that and believe that everything might be okay after all, what with her having "seen this before" and my still significantly rising betas, I think this OB tends to give false hope, encouraging her patients to feel that it's not over til it's over. I get that, I guess, but last time when it turned out my gestational sac was much too small, she'd said she was ?more optimistic than pessimistic? even though everything I'd read indicated bad news, and sure enough I lost that one the very next day. So while I'd certainly love a miracle here and would do about anything to not have to suffer a third loss in a row, I don't really want to hold out false hope only to go through even more emotional trauma afterward because of that.

So at home, I pretty much just laid around, read, napped, and wished that if it was going to end, I could just get it over with quickly instead of it dragging out. However, if anything, the spotting seemed to get fainter and fainter throughout the afternoon and night, I still had no pain, I still had all the same pregnancy symptoms I've been having, and nothing else happened.

The kids did their own thing almost all day and were so good. Alexa was a huge help to me. I did go sit on the porch a couple of times in late afternoon and evening and encouraged Ben to come outside and ride his scooter and I think the fresh air was good for both of us, then I'd go back to lying around and he'd go back to doing his own thing indoors.

At night, Shawn brought home a late dinner and we started watching a family movie (Pirates, Band of Misfits) afterward, which I fell asleep on halfway through because I'm still apparently tired enough to nap in the afternoon and fall asleep early on a movie at night.

I feel... in limbo.

Source: http://nancextoo.livejournal.com/308653.html

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